Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Life's Little Ups and Downs

Life is full of ups and downs.

This is not news, everyone knows that's how it happens. But it seems like lately, all I'm hearing are the downs. I've had two friends who've had family members pass away this week, lots of really sick kids, two friends who found the perfect jobs that didn't work out, and various other sad or disappointing things. I guess all this time I've been at home lately with a sick kid has perhaps made me a little down too. I'm also having some mixed emotions about a lot of things, one of them being Olive starting school.

Today Olive is feeling a bit better and we went to her school for an open house where the kids could meet each other and play there to get comfortable and familiar. She had a blast and enjoyed all the kids and activities. She didn't want to leave. While I was so excited to see her having so much fun and know that she'll be fine there, I was really sad and wrought with anxiety. This will be the first time she's really been away from me a lot and definitely the first time away from me in a group setting. We did do a babysitting swap for awhile and she would spend 3 hrs a week with another mom and her kids, but this is 6 hours a week and will be in a big group. I know she'll love it but it's sort of sad for me to have her go (even though I am very excited about all the things I will be able to get done with alone time). I know this sounds silly but I am sad that I won't be there to see all the fun things she does and experiences. I know, I know... I'm a bit too much of a first time mom sometimes - I need to let go a little bit. This is a natural part of the process. She will have to go to school eventually. But I think it's this attachment and fear that has prevented me from going back to work full-time. Every time I start thinking about how great it would be, I panic and become overcome with guilt because I don't want to be away from her for that long. She is an independent (and yes, sometimes difficult) kid but I love her more than anything in the world and am more attached than I ever thought I could be. So I'm excited for her to go to school but now that it's almost here, I'm really anxious too.

Anyway... didn't mean for this to turn into an emotional soul-bearing...just sharing a chapter out of my life. Now to wipe the tears and think about how fun it will be to go to Starbucks ALONE and drink a coffee, read a book, get in and out of the car in under 5 minutes... aaaah.... I feel better already ;)

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